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Self-realization
.: posted Tuesday, November 09, 2004 ::: by .:webmaster:. ::: EmailThis! »

sent in by Brandon

Ahh where to begin? As a child I was raised in a bible-thumping Baptist church until I was roughly 6 or 7. I am not sure as to the time my family stopped going. The church played a huge part in my family’s life, particularly in my mother’s. Rock music was evil, gay people were “ate up with the devil”…I’m pretty sure everyone has heard the rants of the church. Of course I was susceptible to believing these lies too. Iwas a naive child. Jesus loved me, or so I thought. I loved my parents and really wanted to please them. They were the moral authority in my life. I am not saying they were tyrants or anything. They were very loving and set me on a pretty straight course for life, albeit with some pretty disturbing Christian-opinions.

Anyway, my mother joined a local church and became pretty involved. She taught Sunday school and was involved in a lot of the church planning. She left because of the corruption she had witnessed within the church. After that our family pretty much stopped going to church. The word of God was still prominent within our household. The old ideas still stood regardless of the church not being part of the picture. The good old Ten Commandments plaque was a constant reminder. All of the relics of the “bible belt” adorned the walls. Having Baptist aunts and uncles also helps. I truly embraced this. Then again I embraced fairy tales and Disney movies too. What kid doesn’t like to believe in fantastical things and ideas?

I honestly believed that if I didn’t believe I was going to burn in hell. It is so horrifying to hear and to believe that at such a young age. Some nights I could not sleep because I thought a demon was going to get me. Anything I thought I did that would displease god worried me and I would obsess myself with it. I was also overweight and tormented by the kids at school. My first question of the existence of god (notice I am not capitalizing it) occurred somewhere along that time. I was reassured that he existed and that god doesn’t put anything more on your shoulders than you can handle. What a steaming load of bullshit. It sounded good at the time though. I hit the rebellious years in high school and had some atheist friends. I liked them as friends but worried about their souls. I also started listening to heavy metal music, another one of the “devil’s tools.” Once again I questioned god’s existence, and actually fell from the fold. I thought that my friends were good people, and wondered why they would be punished because they didn’t adhere to the laws of god? I finished school conflicted and angry yet I still believed in god.

I started college and began going to an Evangelical Church. The church had night services and primarily college students attended. The church had a very positive atmosphere. There was singing, sermons, and prayer at the end. I really thought god was reaching out to me and cried the second night I attended. I was severely depressed and wanted harmony in my life. However this joy faded quickly. I was still depressed. The depression extended to all aspects of my life. I wondered if god was so great why was I in so much emotional pain? If Jesus is in my heart why do I feel like killing myself? I left the church again. I still believed in god despite every contradicting idea in my brain.

Later on in college I began taking some classes in philosophy. Many times we studied theological ideas and arguments concerning the existence of god. Each side had good arguments. The arguments against the existence of god were compelling. This was the spark that led to my present beliefs. At the time I dismissed them as “merely arguments” and still believed in god because I didn’t want the consequences of not believing in case god did exist. On the other hand I really started to have more of an open mind. I was an intelligent person and thought that intelligent people should be open to both sides of argument, rather than sticking with one particular belief. If one does not, they are blinded and gullible. This was me before I started thinking for myself.

The final nail in the proverbial coffin was a few months ago when my father passed away. At his funeral, rather than remembering my father for the good things he did, the pastor instead deciding to pursue an open chance for some recruiting. He said that we were truly “preparing for our own funeral” rather than attending my father’s. He said that “if you do not accept Christ and walk in his blood then you are going to go to hell.” I couldn’t believe my own ears. How dare this man say this at my father’s funeral? I was mourning the loss of my father and this man had the nerve to preach about his fatalistic views? I came to realize that the bible actually supports this viewpoint (???!!) and began studying all of the contradictions of the bible. This book that I revered as the icon of morality was nothing more than a collection of stories promoting bigotry, misogyny, and death. I also came to realize that even though I don’t know how the universe started, that doesn’t mean some sky daddy created it. I was actually angry at myself for believing such nonsense. I found this website and was comforted to find that so many other people have had similar experiences and beliefs. I cease to be a Christian and am proud to be an atheist. Atheism was the key that freed my mind from its prison.

Sex: Male
State: Indiana
Country: USA
Became a Christian: 1
Ceased being a Christian: 21
Labels before: Baptist, Evangelical
Labels now: Atheist
Why I joined: Parents, fear
Why I left: Hypocrisy and reason
Email Address: bracox at highstream dot net

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2 Comments:

Anonymous wrote:

Brandon, my deepest sympathies go out to you and your family in the death of your father. Incidently, I do believe in God, although that may not be popular on this site, I stumbled upon this site searching just searching the web. Please let me apologize for the senseless experiences you have had from other 'so-called' believers. The God that they are presenting is not who He is at all. Please don't formulate your opinion of Him based upon how others present Him, either through their ignorance, or fanatacism, or even through philosophical arguments. If God is real, then He should be able to tell you who He is for Himself. You said your mind was open, well how about open your heart as well. I can't speak for God, nor can anyone else..., but I know that if your heart is open to Him, He has the ability to speak for Himself. Nature is His voice, so is Love, and Joyous times, and Peace of heart. These things aren't explainable by science and philosophy. They can't be measured and re-created. The love you had for your father, or even your friends - this is the reality of God. The fact that there is some sense of personal peace in a really 'screwed' up world, is the reality of God. Science, philosophy, and 'arguments' can't explain it. We are alive, evolution or not, LIFE IS A MIRACLE!! That is what I believe God both says and does. Life, love, joy and fulfilment is not found in a church, minister or success or whatever... this is something that only God can provide. The wonderful thing is, whether we believe in Him or not, He still provides it to everyone, at many times in their life. Brandon, I guess I'm just saying try to beleive... it might be the greatest 'unnatural' discovery you have ever made.

posted: January 03, 2006

benji wrote:

anonymous said:
Please let me apologize for the senseless experiences you have had from other 'so-called' believers. The God that they are presenting is not who He is at all. Please don't formulate your opinion of Him based upon how others present Him, either through their ignorance, or fanatacism, or even through philosophical arguments.

In other words, don't trust anybody else's version of a god, trust this guy's. I'm not sure how Mr. anonymous comes to the conclusion that the gods conjured up by everybody else are lacking, and that his particular formulation is the correct one, except through blind faith. I doubt Mr. anonymous would consider it, but it's just as likely that any god that exists is hateful by nature, or that the acts we perceive as evil are best representative of "God." It could well be that "God" is negligent, or indifferent. In my opinion, if a god is to be conceived through one's faculties rather than through dogma or wishful thinking, the actual state of affairs in this world is best explained by either a negligent or evil deity rather than one of love and joy, as Mr. anonymous asserts. But I stopped believing in gods a long time ago.

The love you had for your father, or even your friends - this is the reality of God. The fact that there is some sense of personal peace in a really 'screwed' up world, is the reality of God. Science, philosophy, and 'arguments' can't explain it.

I'm not sure that the "science can't explain" argument has any logical bearing anymore, given the fact that the "god of the gaps" is in constant retreat. But in my opinion, explaining a god using terms like "peace" and "love" is just giving that god more credit than it likely deserves. Who's to say what motivates a supernatural entity when presumably it doesn't even reside in the same dimension? But that's beside the point. Peace and love are shared by believers and non-believers alike. There is no correlation at all. I'd say that in my experience, many Christians have difficulty jiving their beliefs with reality; many non-believers have a hard time leaving behind the peaceful reassurance that religions offer. Christians have trouble coming to terms with the fact that increasing numbers of people disagree with their beliefs nowadays (Historically this problem has been dealt with violently, and that's another convincing reason to leave the fold); as is evidenced on this website, non-believers are ridiculed or cast out by their friends or even their family for simply using reason and the senses to conclude that Christianity is wrong and even dangerous. There is no correlation between happiness and belief in gods; people have it bad on both sides of the aisle. Suffice it to say, though, the blissfully ignorant will always be the happiest. So personal happiness is certainly desirable, but perhaps not the best motivation for belief/non-belief, as Mr. anonymous thinks. I think the question cuts deeper than that.

posted: January 03, 2006

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