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When you find youself in a hole, stop digging
.: posted Sunday, August 01, 2004 ::: by .:webmaster:. ::: EmailThis! »

sent in by Willem Kortekaas

My Testimony to Ex-testimony (the encapsulated version)

To begin, I wasn’t always a Christian. I do not come from a Christian family. The only contact I had with any religion or interpretation of life to begin with was what our state school called “Religious Education”. It was far more like Christian Education.

Anyhow, So I got through primary school relatively sound. Yet for a higher education my parents decided to send me to a Private School, and where I lived only had religious private schools. Turns out I had to go to a school called Nambour Christian Collage (NCC).

High school – grade 8 school camp. My first encounter with ‘sin’. During out camp, (which seemed like an excuse to have us in a church for a week) they preached to us about sin, what it is, we all had it and to make it worse, if we didn’t have Jesus we’d burn in the next life.

I was introduced to many concepts at this time. Sin, God, Hell & Heaven and Eternity. To make me swallow this pill, they used the fear of hell. So at the end of a particular service they got those of us who were duped to stay behind and chant the sinners prayer. Felt good at the time, escaped a painful never-ending end. Also found some of my friends made he same decisions and got to meet some more people.

For the next two years I kept this faith under wraps, at school the pastor would hold bible studies with the few of us that would go. I would read it, not understand it and the pastor would interpret it.. their way.

I first started going to church around 3 years after this conversion. I went with a friend and his huge Baptist family to a evangelical Baptist Church. I started playing in their church.

The church started to claim that because witchcraft had been practiced in the car park one night that they need to move and began asking the congregation to part with large sums of money. The typical unnecessary church building fund. I soon left their and went to another Baptist church (Nambour Baptist Church), made friends and soon became their technical productions person and ran the sound. This church was I thought was good and soon became one of the leaders of the youth group, started teaching Sunday school and began planing and running Christian events.

Today I know I did all these things to try and subdue the questions in my mind. Not only would I read the bible, but I would always be reading Christian Science books and apologetics. For a time, this worked. I had a Christian girlfriend and walked the strait and narrow. Yet still trying to discover myself, what did I like. Who am I? Why am I here? – the Christian answers never contented me and that’s why I was so active, I thought I could find the answers in God and would do his will.

My relationship with my parents degraded because of the void between us. My relationship with my girlfriend also suffered and we were miserable together (quite often anyway). We were together because we thought we’d gone too far together, not sex if any of you are wondering yet we were taught it was wrong.

Christianity, a dieing relationship and overworked in the church was sucking the life out of me. Not only me but my girl as well. So we elected to do what every god fearing Christian would do. Dig deeper. We became involved in more Christian missions as a couple and lit ourselves alight for Jesus. Soon we moved to a fundamentalist evangelical church called ‘Harvest’. This church was all music bells and whistles.

Soon after being there our relationship finally dissolved. First girlfriend, 18 month relationship. Hurt badly loosing that security. To make it worse, in around 2-3 weeks she started dating a friend of mine, and the ex-boyfriend of her sister. This was a shocker.

I dug even deeper into Christian life, yet this time I discovered a book on psychology. A book called “the road less travelled” by author Scott Peck. This book really hit my reasoning on my topics and caused me to think. I started to understand why I did the things I did. There was a section on religion in this book. I read it like the forbidden fruit. I read how religion had caused huge physiological problems in peoples lives. They’d healed only by leaving religion. My bible said those people had to go to hell, yet I could not justify that. This was the first chink in my Christian Armour tm.

With such doubt in my mind I began reading more Christian apologetics to try and find and reasonable answer to my moral question. Yet the books were so drab and dry compared to those free thinkers (btw: Scott Peck is no longer a free thinker, very fundamentalist Christian now). I found a book called Honest to Jesus written by the Jesus Seminars. This started me questioning the whole bible story. Everything I knew, my security blanket, everything I had believed. So I went through a period, a painful scary period where I would ask Christians, pastors and websites for answers to the dangerous questions I was asking. I was only ever mocked and told to hold on and that God will come through in the end.

That end came. Once I started reading through history from a secular point of view. I could not sit in church anymore. There was nothing there, I could finally see how hollow it all was. Nothing, at all. No good at all.

So there I was, alone, yet alive. It was like being born again, literally. I knew so vary little of the world. I began reading philosophy. My favourite book being “Sophie’s World” by Jostein Gaarder. This gave me a base, something I was use to. Yet I continued to read. Another great book by the same author is “The Solitaire Mystery”. This opened my mind to wonder and philosophise for myself.

My mind became free, I was suddenly in awe of life and was thrilled to be living it. I worked on my physical condition, becoming very fit, started doing things what were declared ‘evil’ by the church, such as practicing yoga and later on Tantra. Also, my results from study went through to distinctions. Reasoning was simple and I began to trust myself.

My friends are all still fundamentalist Christians, that is the curse of living in a place like Sunshine Coast, Australia, yet, thanks to my free ability to reason (bye bye faith) and the books I had read. I could survive the onslaught condemnation and resounds when someone vocal in a church leaves. (as Dave, the webmaster would know)

I’d like to end with an analogy.
Christianity is like being inside an egg, there is a world around you but you don’t know it. Also an egg is quite strong from the outside, yet from the inside it is weak. Sooner or later some of us hatch.

Thank you Dave for making this website and everyone who contributes! I’ve been visiting and reading the posts and archives for many months now. Thank you so very sincerely, you’ve saved us from being isolated. See you on the web boards soon!

Willem
On the outside, looking out

Sex: Male
City: Sunshine Coast
State: Queensland
Country: Australia
Became a Christian: Aprox 14
Ceased being a Christian: 19 years
Labels before: Baptist (probably non-denominational)
Labels now: Freethinker Humanist & Athiest in regards to Bible God
Why I joined: Fear and basic human instinct to save one's hide
Why I left: Knowledge (biblegod is so immoral)

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3 Comments:

Anonymous wrote:

I attended that church for many years and never remember seeing your name? I wonder if you are being honest with us and with yourself about these issues?

posted: January 29, 2006

Willem wrote:

I see that my story has been popular since it disappeared off the main Ex-Christian webpage. Very surprising, very surprising indeed. How did you find it?

Mr. Anonymous,

Pleasure to meet you. I have been through three churches. I wonder which one you were at. I also wonder what you think I am being dishonest about; it is a fairly tame testament, especially by the standards of many of the victims of Christianity that nurse their wounds here. I consider myself lucky for my good fortune of escaping when I did.

My story has been graced by both Dave (webmaster) and Dave8, two people I respect for their knowledge, humour and eloquence.

To my dear friend John,

I’m not mad at you. I know you (a bit) and know that your intentions are good. We both just have different premises and conclusions about God, the Universe & Everything else. I will likely see you soon.

To k83

K83 what a strange name, if I had known someone with such a… odd name I would have thought I’d remember you. Ohwell, maybe you have a nickname which you tend to go by. Like Kate? Thanks for taking the time to write. I know the issues look huge. For a time. After a while you realise that you can’t answer them straight away. It’s kind of like asking what the French talk about, your really not going to get it till you go to France. I assume life and death work the same way. You can’t really answer why you are here till you’ve been here. You’re not going to know what happens when you die, till you’ve been dead. I am happy to find out through experience. It will be a glorious adventure!

Who and what am I living for now? Well, I was not under the impression that I had to live for anyone or anything in-particular. But I am now living, each day in the day. Not waiting or sacrificing for some reward that isn’t coming. Not mentally anguishing over what a (in my opinion) mythical deity did some 2000+ years ago (or multiple as it may seem).

I never expected people in the church to be angels. I admit that I wasn’t perfect; I did things that I was ashamed of. You live, you learn. I don’t quite think its people that drove me out of church. It was really a moral dilemma. One that I spend my entire Christian life trying to consolidate, this place called Hell. A place of fire brimstone demons torment anguish death destruction for ever and ever and ever come from a god who is suppose to be love. I don’t get it. I’ve heard the rationale before. I’ve tried swallowing it. As I mentioned in my testament, those who have been totally destroyed by religion, so much so that the only way they can heal is to reject it and all its components, are sentenced to hell. It drove me mad. Probably because I could see each person has a story and a reason for the why they are the way they are. Their upbringing, life experiences and perception, these are the reasons people are the way they are. God is not good. Not by reasonable standards. I do not want a god who will not abide by some reason. I would like to meet a nice god, but I have already asked, a nice god will take her time in replying too.

I see you think that my break-up with my girlfriend caused me to leave religion. I can see how you’d be able to make that connection. I can also see how it helps to brush off my decisions as an emotionally induced. However, I do not agree. I found myself pushing further into god during such times. I remember finding relief in that too. I can clearly conclude that it defiantly was the Hell ticket that got me on the J-train, and also showed me my stop.

I learnt a lot. I don’t like religion, but it is great for a laugh. If only laugher was all it brings…

Before I say goodnight (buenos noches) I would like to address a few of the things you’ve typed;

God is real and one day you’ll have to face him:- this seems like a threatening statement. I don’t know about you, but truth, for me, doesn’t need intimidation to direct it.

Freedom in Him:- that’s not really free as its contingent upon someone else’s instruction. Or is this implying that ‘He’ will provide freedom from someone else? Perhaps Sin? It is my experience that those things deemed to be sins are generally performed by those in ‘Him’, therefore I do not see the results of this freedom.

This is already too long as it is.

Willem